U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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