Got a toothbrush?
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
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