My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
