I just threw up on my dentist
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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