This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I got her a Nickelback box set.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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