Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
