Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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