I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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