If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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