So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
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