I accidentally burped into my bong.
Is Jonathan Taylor Thomas a gay? I need you to google search it for me. Its important
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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