he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Randomize
