i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Randomize
