I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Randomize
