i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
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