Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
