He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
