The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
