dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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