did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
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