girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
