It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
You are the jesus of drinking
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
