Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize