you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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