I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
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