a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Randomize
