My liver just broke up with me...
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I smell stomach acid.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
i need some magic done to my vagina
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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