i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize