After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Randomize
