i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
