I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
