I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I want to be your penis for a week.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
