Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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