"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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