My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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