Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
