why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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