it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
