genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize