I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
