He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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