Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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