I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
