I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
We were destined to go to rehab together
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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