Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
