I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
