Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
