Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
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