he thought i was a dude.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize