she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize