yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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