i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
