In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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