im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize