i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Life without a bra equals bliss.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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