my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
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