I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
