so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
