Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
