i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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