remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
