i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
