I heard we made out
So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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