he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
