so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
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