Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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